What Your Bartender Is Really Thinking

What if bartenders were honest? What if everything you’re bartender really wanted to say to you, they said? What is your bartender really thinking?

In this episode from the Bartending Pro YT Channel, I go into the industry expectation of the attitude you’re supposed to have if you’re in the service industry, and how this is often in contrast to what employees working in those industry positions often wish they could say to annoying situations that are all to common in the this business.

Because, deep down inside, we are only human and sometimes we have to bite our tongue. I’m bringing this up because I found a fun video on buzzfeed titled “if bartenders were honest“.

• It starts off with “what do I recommend? I recommend that you look at the menu and act like you’ve been at a bar before…”, which transitions into “no, I don’t know that drink, but I’ll google-it in the back and look it up”. Which, as most any honest bartender will tell you they’ve done at some point in there career.
• Then we get the “no, I can’t create that one drink that you had at that one bar, that one time.” This one is pretty common actually, as people will go to a particular establishment and order a cocktail off the menu. What they don’t know is that particular bar or restaurant invented, or tweaked a different recipe, and renamed it as their own, so it isn’t some internationally known cocktail.
• Next up we the that “I just put the cheapest alcohol we have in a $12 cocktail.” Now depending on what it says on your menu for ingredients, substituting alcohols is technically illegal. If you don’t have a certain liquor that is required for the recipe, you are supposed to inform them and offer a different option. However, since most people can’t tell, most bartenders just put in any old substitute, often using the cheap options from the rail.
• Then one of the bartenders says “that’s definitely a picture of your sister, but I’ll take all the money I can get.” This is obviously VERY illegal, and bad idea. Personally I think this was added for shock factor in the video, as I have never seen a bartender intentionally serve someone who is underage. Which doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen!
• “4 jager bombs? I hope you and your friends die in a hazing accident. Long Iced Tea? No problem, garbage person.” Now these are just mean and depressingly cynical. But is again, all too common, and why it’s funny 🙂
• Sex sells in any industry and bartending is no different. So when the girl says “oh you think I’m wearing this low cut shirt so I can get your number? No, I just want your money.” Remember that, because it is the only reason she is wearing that low cut shirt.
• If you’re a creepy guy or girl on a date, and you’re making people uncomfortable… just stop.
• “I poured you the wrong type of wine, but I’m pretty sure you can’t tell the difference.” Again, more true than you would probably like to know if you are a wine drinker.
• And an almost guaranteed pet-peeve of any bartender is to ask them to “make it strong”, as our internal dialog is “go fuck yourself” close to 99% of the time. Look, we are legally obligated to pour to the standards of a bar or local area. Just because you pour triples at home because you have a massive tolerance doesn’t mean we can pour them that way at the bar.
• Along with the “make it strong”, is the instance where a server or customer will bring the drink back because it isn’t strong enough. So instead of pouring a bunch of alcohol into the already properly poured drink, which costs your owners, we will pour a few drops down the straw without disturbing the drink and give it back to the customer. Then they take a big swig from the straw, BAM get a little extra shot of straight alcohol, which makes them feel vindicated.
• “I’ve had 6 shots already this shift…I’ve had 12. I can’t remember what you ordered because I’m wasted” There are so many problem alcoholics working in this industry that its a legitimate epidemic.
• “I’ve been watering down your drinks because your turning into a drunk asshole. That’s just cranberry and soda water, but your so drunk that you can’t tell.” This is just good bartending in my opinion, try to slow customers down anyway possible who are nearing the point where you may have to cut someone off.
• If you’re known as a good tipper in an establishment, bartenders will always give you a shoulder to cry on…for that good tip, of course.
• “I’m trying to act like we didn’t hook up at the party last week. We all are…” Interwork hookups and relationships, even though are almost always prohibited, happen ALLLL the time.
• Campers: people that hang out in your bar or restaurant well after closing because you know that many establishments will let you stay to finish your experience. Quite common in high-end and fine dining restaurants, EVERY bartender and server will secretly hate you if you stay past closing.
• The garnishes and olives in our bar caddy‘s are not a snack bar, get your filthy dirty hands out of there, and order a f*cking appetizer like a normal human being.
• What are we doing after work? Not hanging out with you, you creepy son-of-a-bitch.

This list is just for fun, but at the same time is great insight to the very common thought processes that are happening inside your bartenders head. So, now you know, and you’ll have a better understanding of what is happening when a bartender pauses and looks at you…before carrying on with their duties.

If you yourself are a working bartender and you have any other scenarios of situations that are of particular annoyance then please leave a comment down below or on the video on youtube, as we would all like to hear! I’ll see you in the bar.

Cheers!